Subj: Konformist: The Spies Who Shagged Us
Date: 6/23/99 2:03:17 PM Eastern Daylight Time

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Opinion: The Spies Who Shagged Us
Date: Sunday, June 20, 1999 05:11:05 AM
From: Expert53

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Dear Editor:
The following "The Spies Who shagged Us" is herewith submitted as an opinion



Michael Levine
25 year, veteran, DEA Agent

I saw the latest Austin Powers movie, "The Spy Who Shagged Me" the
other day and throughout the movie could not get the CIA out of my mind.
What exactly does a bumbling, goofy, inept spy with bad teeth, an overblown
ego and a missing "mojo" have in common with our own $30 billion a year
"real" life, super-spies? Everything.
Look, the fact is that I'm a court qualified Expert Witness and 25
year veteran federal agent who never lost a federal case that I was charged
with bringing to trial. Among my cases were some of the most complicated and
important conspiracy cases on record. So I value my credibility and don't
make claims that aren't backed up by facts. Let's examine just a few of the
lowlights of the Central Shagadellic Agency's known record for the past
several decades and see what I mean:
-They allowed "Doctor Evil" China, to steal our nuclear technology
and, THEN bombed their embassy?
-They allowed their own chief of Soviet Counterintelligence, Aldrich
Ames, to work for the, then, "Doctor Evil" KGB for eight years, completely
destroying all CIA's human intelligence capabilities in Russia-and if it
weren't for the FBI, the drunken, bumbling traitor who would have been
detected quicker by Walmart Security would still be working for them.
-They missed the fall of Russia entirely.
-They missed the development of Nuclear weapons by India, while every
Indian waiter in the Big Apple was gossiping about it for a year before it
-They were outsmarted by "Doctor Evil" Sadaam Hussein so badly that
they were the laughing stock of the espionage world.
-They admitted, before Congress, to looking the other way for over a
decade at massive drug smuggling into the US by their "assets" like Manuel
Noriega and the Nicarauguan Contras, while Americans trying to keep the
stuff out of the brains and veins of their children, were taxed more than a
half trillion dollars to fight drugs
-They called the informant who walked into their Nairobi office with
accurate details of the embassy bombings that would kill hundreds nine months
later, a liar.
-The Cuban, Bay of Pigs fiasco-according to a CIA Inspector
General's report, hidden in the Director's safe under "national security" for
37 years-was due to CIA amateurishness, puffed up egos and their lies to the
President of the United States.
-Under their infamous MK-Ultra program, they used US taxpayer dollars
to carry out some of the wackiest and most criminal mind control experiments
this side of the Third Reich on unwitting, innocent people around the world.
Even surreptitiously dosed one of their own scientists, Dr. Frank Olsen,
causing him to leap out of tenth floor hotel room in NYC.
-They gave the, then, "good guys," the America-hating Mujihideen,
750 stinger missiles to fight the, then, "Doctor Evil" Soviets (now "good
guys") during the Afghan war. A good portion of these shoulder-fired,
surface to air missiles are now in the hands of the, now, "Doctor Evil"
Muslim terrorists and the subject of recent State Department alerts. Yes,
they can now be used to shoot OUR planes out of the sky.
-They supported the, now, "Doctor Evil" Numero Uno, Bin Ladeen,
during the Afghan war, when he was a "good guy" and a "freedom fighter,"
throwing tens of millions in US taxpayer dollars into his efforts at
creating, arming and training the first Pan Arab army in history, many of
whom are now the terrorists engaged in a holy war against us!
-Among those trained with US taxpayer dollars in Afghanistan was
Ramsey Youseff, the man who bombed the World Trade Center.
Look, I can go on for pages but I think the list is already
shagadellic enough to prove the point. And if you're not yet convinced that
this is a spy agency in frantic search of its own mojo, at our expense, dig
In May 1998 when CIA failed to discern that India was preparing to
explode nuclear devices DCI George Tenet appointed a team to investigate this
stupefying intelligence failure, headed by retired Vice Admiral David E.
Jeremiah. The report damned CIA's performance and recommended across the
board changes and improvements.
Specifically, Admiral Jeremiah said that the CIA "needs to be
scrubbed from the top down, from its spies to its analysts to its
bureaucratic barons." The [Indian] debacle revealed chronic failures of
imagination and personnel, flaws in information-gathering and analysis, and
faulty leadership and training."
This finding, so critical to the security of the American people, was
virtually absent from mainstream media and our congressional "protectors"
pretended it didn't exist.
And that's the other reason the world of our "real" CIA is so similar
to the Austin Powers world. What makes Austin Powers movies funny is that
everyone in his world, particularly the politicians and the media seem to
take the guy seriously. He cannot screw up enough to outrage the bizarro
characters in his world.
Apparently the same can be said for the world of our CIA. Every
single screwup they have committed led invariably to Congress raising their
budgets. (i.e., $3 billion increase after bombing the Chinese Embassy).
And if that weren't bad enough, every single debacle they get involved in is
looked at by our media-who are awarded Pulitzers for Monica Lewinsky
reporting- as unique, with their entire shagadellic history immediately
One of the few CIA officers I've ever met whom I would consider a
street smart professional is 25 year veteran Ralph McGehee, who furnished me
with excerpts from a CIA document, obtained via an FOIA request, wherein the
Agency's PAO (public affairs office) bragged that its relationships with
"reporters from every major wire service, newspaper, news weekly and TV
network... has helped turn some 'intelligence failure' stories into
'intelligence success' stories..."
As testament to the PAO's success at media manipulation, the CIA's
decades long record of horrific failure and screw-ups has been well
documented but only published briefly and superficially by mainstream media.
As I write this, for example, the bombing of the Chinese embassy, an act
that still may cost America dearly, has virtually vanished from mainstream
American media in a blur of conflicting vague statements leaving the public
confused about what really happened.
Let's face it folks, having a $30 billion a year spy agency in
perpetual search for its lost mojo is only funny in movies. If there is a
lesson in this latest screwup of bombing the embassy of a belligerent,
nuclear superpower, it is that we had better follow Admiral Jeremiah's
recommendations and take these guys apart before they do it to us.
Last week a New York newspaper reported that the Director of Central
Intelligence addressed a graduating class of his high school where he
admitted that he was "the biggest mouth in his class." How ironic that he
would become the head of Central Intelligence.
Shagadellic, Baby.

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