Two Cows (updated)

by Edgar J. Steele

 

>
> LIBERAL
>
> You have two cows.
>
> Your neighbor has none.
>
> You feel guilty for being successful.
>
> Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your
> congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government
programs
> to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness
for
> the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who
couldn't
> attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3
or 4
> cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you
care
> about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to
help
> them at all.
>
>
>
> CONSERVATIVE
>
> You have two cows.
>
> Your neighbor has none.
>
> So?
>
>
>
> SOCIALIST
>
> You have two cows.
>
> The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
>
> You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
>
>
>
> COMMUNIST
>
> You have two cows.
>
> The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
>
> You wait in line for hours to get it.
>
> It is expensive and sour.
>
>
>
> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
>
> You have two cows.
>
> You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
>
>
> DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
>
> You have two cows.
>
> The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a
man
> in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your
> government.
>
>
>
> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
>
> You have two cows.
>
> The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for
> the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
>
>
>
> AMERICAN CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows.
>
> You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
> You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised
> when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating
> you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
>
>
>
> FRENCH CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows.
>
> You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> You go to lunch and drink wine.
>
> Life is good.
>
>
>
> JAPANESE CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows.
>
> You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and
> produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded
> trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
>
>
>
> GERMAN CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows.
>
> You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent
> quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also
> demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
>
>
>
> ITALIAN CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
>
> While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
>
> You break for lunch.
>
> Life is good.
>
>
>
> RUSSIAN CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows.
>
> You have some vodka.
>
> You count them and learn you have four cows.
>
> You have some more vodka.
>
> You count them again and learn you have eight cows.
>
> The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
>
>
>
> TALIBAN CORPORATION
>
> You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
>
> You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
> Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the
> hospital.
>
>
>
> IRAQI CORPORATION
>
> You have two cows.
>
> They go into hiding.
>
> They send radio tapes of their mooing.
>
>
>
> POLISH CORPORATION
>
> You have two bulls.
>
> Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
>
>
>
> CALIFORNIAN
>
> You have a cow and a bull.
>
> The bull is depressed.
>
> It has spent its life living a lie.
>
> It goes away for two weeks.
>
> It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
>
> You now have two cows.
>
> One makes milk; the other doesn't.
>
> You try to sell the transgender cow.
>
> Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
>
> You lose in court.
>
> You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
>
> You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
>
> You change your business to beef.
>
> PETA pickets your farm.
>
> Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
>
> Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
>
> Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the
> children".
>
> Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
>
> The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
teats.
>
> You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
>
> The cow starves to death.
>
> The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
>

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