Subj: ZGram - 6/5/99 - "The Tale of Brass and Bras"
Date: 6/5/99 12:40:44 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: (Ingrid Rimland)

ZGram - Where Truth is Destiny and Destination

Copyright (c) 1999 - Ingrid A. Rimland

June 5, 1999

Good Morning from the Zundelsite:

There has been quite some heated debate in various newsgroups and private
circles about the existence/non-existence of political conspiracies.

Many people believe in them with fervor and have a tendency to watch for
them and see them everywhere revealed, verified, or proven. The
Conspiracy Buffs' postures are often embedded in experience - some being
former government agents or employees. They'll tell you that they know
whereof they speak - that serious conspiracies exist.

On the other hand, there are the Conspiracy Deniers. They scoff and point
a finger. They ridicule, deride and mock. These Doubters speak with
Thomas Corwin: "If you would succeed in life, you must be solemn, solenm
as an ass. All great monuments are built over solemn asses."

Such a one, a well-known cyber skeptic, sent me the following:

"Whatever you are doing, drop it right now -- unless it is a baby. I have
obtained some shocking information regarding our national security, and
it's information I am going to reveal to you now despite the chilling fact
that, by revealing it, I am placing myself in personal peril of winning a
Pulitzer Prize.

"The information concerns some alarming military research currently being
conducted by a foreign power that represents the greatest single security
threat to the United States as measured not only by the magnitude of the
physical danger, but also by the number of Celine Dione records.

"That's right: I am referring to Canada. As you may recall, last year I
urged the United States to declare war on Canada over the issue of toilet
smuggling. In the United States, we have a federal law, enacted by
Congress, requiring that new consumer toilets be limited to 1.6 gallons of
water per flush. There is an excellent reason for this law: Congress has
the brains of an eggplant.

"Canada flagrantly disobeys this law on the grounds that -- get this for a
legal technicality -- it is a foreign country. In Canada, anybody,
including convicted felons and underage children, can walk into any toilet
store and purchase a 3.5-gallon-per-flush toilet and the authorities do

"As I reported, some of these toilets are finding their way across the
border into the United States. And what is our government doing? It is
shooting cruise missiles at the Balkans, where people don't even have

"When are we as a nation going to wake up and recognize the real threat to
our security? No doubt you are aware that just recently, in our nation's
capital, some highly strategic cherry trees were deliberately chewed by
saboteur beavers. Ask yourself this: "Where do beavers come from?" The
Balkans? No!

"Beavers come from Canada, and they take their orders from Canada and
nobody else, as you know if you have ever tried to get one to fetch a ball.

"And now, as if we didn't have enough reasons to declare war on Canada,
comes word of chilling research being conducted by the Canadian military.

"I have a news article from the Canadian Press written by Dennis Bueckert
and sent to me by an undercover agent in Canada named Lauren Leighton, M.D.
This article, about a new Canadian armed forces program, contains the
following chilling sentence, which I swear I am not making up:

"'An elite unit at National Defence headquarters is actively studying
whether to proceed with the development of the world's first combat bra.'

"You read that correctly: The Canadian military is working on a combat

"How can we, the American public, remain sanguine in the face of this news?
Especially since we do not really know what "sanguine" means? How can we
sit back and do nothing when an increasingly hostile, beaver-infested,
big-toilet nation spends $184 million on a program to develop a high-tech
futuristic assault undergarment?

"How would you feel if you were an American soldier guarding our northern
border and were equipped with only a conventional bra -- the basic design
of which has not changed significantly since the Korean War -- knowing that
at any moment some elite Canadian troops could be charging across the No
Person's Land toward you and that the first sight you would see, a sight
that would strike terror in the heart of even the most hardened combat
veteran, would be the Cones of Doom?

"So I'm urging you to write to your congressperson now and tell him or her
that you want the United States to launch a massive federal program to
match Canada's military undergarment research.

"Please keep your letter dignified. Do not lower yourself to cheesy
wordplay such as 'support your troops' or 'stay abreast of our enemies' or
'check out the Balkans on that lieutenant.'

"(The above is slightly abbreviated to save my fingertips)"

Thought for the Day on this spectacularly sunny California Saturday morning:

"Laughter is the sunshine of the mind."


____Information about Ingrid Rimland's novels may be found at:

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Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1999 08:14:42 +0100
From: Ingrid Rimland
Subject: ZGram - 6/5/99 - "The Tale of Brass and Bras"