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Jokes >
Lawyers and the Truth
 

“A good lawyer is a great liar.”

-- Edward Ward


 

“A lawyer is a liar with a permit to practice.”

-- Anonymous


 

“It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery.”

-- Samuel Goldwyn


 

“There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.”

-- Jean Giradoux


 

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Billy, you be first,” she said, “What does you mother do all day?” Billy stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father, Tim?”

Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the bell. Tim’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Tim’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”


 

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.

“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”


 

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the pocket business?”

“Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”


 

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”


 

One juror overheard saying to another...”You’ll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!”


 

There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.


 

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.


 

Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.”

Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”


 

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”

Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”


 

A lawyer seeks console from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive drinking.

Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking."

Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!"

A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar.

Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again."

Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water."

Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."

The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is wine.”

Lawyer: “Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!”


 

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."


 

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.


 

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.


 

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.


 

What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?

You always hear about them, but you never see them.


 

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.


 

Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.






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