The Employee Christmas Party
December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform
you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots
of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas
tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was
yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often
coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the
anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous
anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts
will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too
much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for
members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People,
people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen
to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little
man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've
had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at
Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the grill of death," as you put it,
and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right
now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak
for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
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