By Greg Kay (Based on and expanded from a combination of stories, including one by John LaTourrette
We're all familiar with the story of Little Red Riding Hood and her narrow escape from the wolf that had eaten her grandmother, and of the heroic actions of the woodsman who saved her from death by killing the wolf with his axe. Now, however, you need to know the "rest of the story."
The local trial was brief; the jury only deliberated an hour before finding that the woodsman's act was justifiable homicide. However, a series of watchdog groups pointed out that this was an obvious case of racial discrimination, as there were no wolves on the jury; furthermore, the entire jury was, in fact, made up of not only humans just like the defendant, but by denizens of the woods, an area with a history of racial discrimination against wolves. The Justice Department ordered a new trial, charging the woodsman with violating the wolf 's civil rights.
When the prosecution pointed out that the wolf's killing and eating of grandma indicated his definate tendency towards violence, the defense council countered that the wolf was raised in a violent, dysfunctional family where such actions were commonplace, thus it was in his nature to do such things. Further, the prosecution insisted that the wolf had not intended to kill grandma; he was only hungry and had entered to home in search of food. He only wanted to share the wealth, which was certainly reasonable, and upon seeing grandma, also may have attempted to have sex with her, but grandma, with a history or racism against wolves, resisted and would no doubt have killed him if she could have managed it, so the wolf had been forced to act in self-defense. The subsequent eating of grandma, it was insisted, only indicated the desperate hunger and poverty of the disadvantaged wolf.
As the Federal trial continued, some new issues became clear:
1. The wolf was an endangered species, thus a minority
2. He was not actually trying to eat Little Red Riding Hood, only to get the food in her basket, and to have sexual intercourse with her. As the poor wolf only wanted to eat and make love, not war, the woodsman's acts were an over-reaction, doubtless brought on by his racist attitudes (Witnesses testified that, in the past, he had made disparaging remarks concerning wolves, and had even advocated violence against them. Further, he belonged to the Woodcutters League, a group designated by the Society for the Protection of Lupine Creatures (SPLC) and Animal Defense League as human supremacist.).
3. When the wolf was killed, he was dressed in grandma's nightgown, indicating that his trans-sexual nature might have factored into his slaying, as the woodsman was also known to be homophobic.
4. The axe used in the homicide was a modified double-edged model, designated by the BATF as an assault axe, the axe of choice for terrorists and drug dealers, indicating a strong tendency for violence and inherent criminality on the part of the woodsman. Further, it came out in the testimony that the woodsman had used anti-wolf slurs during the attack, and had made no warning swings prior to striking the unfortunate wolf over a dozen times.
Following the six-month trial, the jury of nine wolves, one fox, and two humans (The two humans were selected from a suburban area, to ensure that they had no inherent prejudice against wolves, as none lived nearby.) found the woodsman guilty of violating the wolf's civil rights, and Judge Wile E. Coyote sentenced him to ten years.
The SPLC sued the Woodcutters League and the Acme Axe Company. The Acme Axe settled out of court for an undisclosed amount, while the Woodcutters League went bankrupt, and all its remaing assets (after the SPLC's fee) were turned over to the wolf's family, who used their back account to buy a large supply of crack cocaine, and went into business selling it out of the former WL headquarters.
The woodsman's property was seized by the Federal Government under the RICO statues and turned into low-income housing for wolves, and grandma's house was made into a museum and a shrine to the poor wolf who had died there. The dedication was given by no less than Little Red Riding Hood herself, who said that, even though she was frightened by the wolf at the time, it was only because she didn't understand him, due to her racist upbringing. Now that she knows the disadvantages and discrimination that he had to suffer for all of his too-short life, she believes that they could have become good friends, if only the racist woodsman hadn't overreacted in his blind hatred.
There wasn't a dry eye in the forest.
YOUR DONATION = OUR SURVIVAL!
Please contribute today - buy our books - and spread the word to all your friends!
* * * Back to the Home Page of John "Birdman" Bryant, the World's Most Controversial Author * * *