Thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute.
If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, keep pressing 1.
If you are co-dependent, ask a loved one to press 2.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we already know exactly who you
are, we know
what you do, and we know what you want, so please wait while we track
the exact location from which you are making this call.
If you suffer from hallucinations, press 7 on that
telephone that you (and only you) can see floating on your right.
If you suffer from schizophrenia, listen carefully and
try to make
out, from the deafening welter of inner voices, the one that is
telling you which number you should press.
If you suffer from depression, it doesn't matter what
press. No matter what you try, you will never get out of that
If you suffer from amnesia, press 8 and keep saying
out loud your
name, last name, address, telephone, date of birth, and marital
status. As long as you can hold on to these, you will never lose your
If you suffer from advanced indecision disorder, leave
just after the tone, or one second after the tone, or just before the
end of the tone, or during the tone. At any rate, wait for the tone.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of
representatives are busy helping more important customers than you.
If your crisis has to do with the fact that you voted
for John Kerry, George W
Bush, Tony Blair, John Howard, Silvio Berlusconi, José María Aznar,
Vicente Fox and so on, go f--- yourself.
We take care of lunatics here, not imbeciles.
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