"As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun."
(This one is so close to true, it's scary!}

MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN

        Everyday I give thanks to God
        I was born a man instead of a broad
        When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
        I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
        I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
        Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
        Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
        I use my turn signal, I understand sports

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I don't go through a faze every 28 days
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man

        I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
        Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
        I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
        I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
        I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
        I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
        I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
        I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man

        Let me tell you ladies
        Listen to me ladies
        I love those things inside of your blouse
        I love your pretty faces
        Your warm and soft embraces
        But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

        I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
        I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
        When someone asks me my age, I never lie
        After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
        I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
        I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
        I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
        This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man