We have only two choices: get smarter...
or dive into the toilet bowl
and yank the
---- The "Hello?" Awards:
Question: If you could live
forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington,
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did
wrong in taking this great country
away from them. There were great numbers
who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air
and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"If you let that sort
of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut right out from under your
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
"I love California. I practically grew up in
-- Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the
could go one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Ioccoa
"I was provided with additional input that was
different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius"
isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily
We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald
Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may
may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports
-- Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be
-- Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America,
and the only
regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people."
-- Dan Quayle, VP
wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is
a state that
is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well,
states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
Dan Quayle, VP
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
because we received notice that you passed away. May
God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change in
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody
was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a
in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely
Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug
this jack in
at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, if they wake
up dead, there'll
be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a bag of
"You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside."
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: "Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
" Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor:
to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
packet, eat nuts."
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with
your hands or genitals."
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