We have only two choices: get smarter... or dive into the toilet bowl
and yank the lever!
---- The "Hello?" Awards:
From: hengist
From: Bob Jones


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." 
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."  
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country
away from them. There were great numbers of people
who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves."
--
John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the  impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds
could go one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Ioccoa

"I was provided with additional input that was radically
different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may
or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
-
- Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people." 
-- Dan Quayle, VP 

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that
is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all
states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May
God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in
your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina 

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective
in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in
at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, if they wake
up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


INSTRUCTIONS

In case you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: "Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."


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