----- Original Message -----
From: Northwest Net

FBI SWOOPS ON FUNKY MONKEY IN HOWWIBLE HATECRIME

The FBI and the politically correct establishment seem to be literally seeing wicked evil racists under the bed. There seems to be no limit to the ridiculous lengths to which the concept of "hatecrime" can be extended.

Fox News St. Louis reports: "St. Louis City Hall confirms the FBI has stepped in to investigate a possible hatecrime at an area firehouse. It involves a stuffed monkey hanging from a rail. The Saint Louis Fire Chief began the investigation after an African American firefighter made a complaint about the monkey Sunday." ("Dey dis funky monkey hangin' on a rail and ah fink iss supposeta be me. Why? Because ah is a monkey, dass why.")

Fox goes on: "But the FBI was called in because of the potential hatecrime issues." (What in the name of God is a "potential hatecrime issue?" They're talking about people's thoughts here. The FBI is in fact investigating what is going on in people's minds. In 1984, George Orwell called this thoughtcrime.)

Back to Fox: "The entire episode is raising new questions in an already racially divided fire department. Photos of the scene were sent to Fox 2 by the Firefighters Institute for Racial Equality- or "F.I.R.E."- the association for black firefighters. The pictures show a stuffed monkey hanging from a rack" (YAAAAAAAH! A child's stuffed toy! Call the FBI, make them come and protect me from a child's stuffed toy!)

The head of F.I.R.E., Addington Stewart, expressed concern to Fox 2 over the phone about the racial overtones. The city's public safety director, Charles Bryson, is concerned as well. 'Its extraordinarily disturbing as to what may have transpired,' Bryson told us. 'I mean, now it's stuffed children's toys. What's next? Racist Lego sets? Transformers wearing Klan robes? Barbie and Ken in full SS uniform?'" (Okay, I made that last bit up, but really, now...does no one in the federal government or Fox News have any sense of proportion or sense of the absurd left?)

[Sigh...] Back to Fox: "Bryson says the hanging monkey was found at firehouse 13 at Shawmut and Ridge in North City. Bryson tells us while the scene was reported over the weekend, the monkey has been at house 13 for some time." (Sounds to me like there are a number of monkeys in that firehouse.) 'We want that investigation to go forward, we want it to be thorough, we want it to be vigorous, or rigorous. But at the end of the day, we have to sort fact from fiction,' Bryson explained." (What does that mean? What is this stupid woman talking about? Is she actually trying to formulate a thought, or is she just dropping her lower jaw and letting noise come out?)

Well, guys, I think we can go ahead and start plotting our revolution. We won't have to worry about the FBI interfering with us. They're all in St. Louis investigating stuffed animals. I hear they're planning a major raid on Toys 'R Us, as soon as they can get a snitch on the inside.