Please consider posting this half serious, half satirical piece.  Thanks.


Friday, March 14, 2008

American African Food Market and Gizmo Shop

Hope you get as much enjoyment out of the following "solutions" to successfully running a grocery store in Detroit as I did following a report that the last major grocer had pulled out of Detroit (posts since deleted). I found the first one funny because he was dead serious; "John PM" I took to be facetious (but then again...maybe not)

Grocery Closings Hit Detroit Hard

I have a concept for a new grocery retailing format that might work in Detroit:

The stores' selection of products would be basic with generic brands (think Aldi). No alcohol, no tobacco either. shoppers would hand a purchase order form with prepayment (cash, debit card, and EBT only), receive a claim check, and wait for order pickers to deliver their order a pick-up window. Customers would not roam the aisles but would behave and wait patiently in a heavily-guarded secure area. The warehouse/order-picking area would also be "militarized" to control internal shrinkage. The store would not operate at night.

Posted by Flaxen-headed Strumpet at 8:02 PM on July 10

My concept for a viable chain of grocery stores in Detroit by John PM:

1) The store would be called the American African Food Market and Gizmo Shop.

2) It would sell all major brand foods, meats, vegetables, and all manner of baubles and bangles that simply dazzle the "mind."

3) It would cater to Detroit blacks exclusively.

4) Each store would employ a security force of 12 well-armed white men.

5) The structure of the building would be that of a bunker, with the access door well-reinforced steel, and two-heavily armed guard towers complete with helicopter gunship machineguns fully capable of sweeping the entire perimeter of the bunkers entrance.

6) Blacks would be allowed to enter in groups of 24 only at a time; upon entrance (through a metal detector) each would be handcuffed to a shopping cart and escorted by the guards to the food and gizmos.

7) A paid and armed shopper/cashier force of 24 would accompany the handcuffed blacks and security force escorts up and down the aisles aiding them in selecting their items of "need."

8) Upon accumulation of all desired items, checkout and payment would be finalized.

9) If, at any point, the "shoppers" acted out, became obnoxious, were short on money or food stamps, or otherwise behaved in an uncivilized manner, they would be pepper-sprayed, tazered, truncheon redirected, or liquidated dependent on a preexisting table of unacceptable violent behaviors.

10) All sales are final and legal actions are not allowed by customers or their families; the decisions of the management and security forces of The AAFMAGS are to be considered beyond reproach.

Posted by John PM at 6:56 on July 11

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.