These are from a book
called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just
lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear
were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci
sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in
what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You
forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was
the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said,
'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why
did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is
Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you
know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both
do.
ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You
do?
WITNESS: Yes,
voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's
twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you
shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what
were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh..... I
was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had
three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many
were boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there
any girls?
WITNESS: Are you
shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was
your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By
death.
ATTORNEY: And by
whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose
death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was
about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess..
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is
how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor,
how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my
autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.
Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.....are
you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you
check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: Did you
check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: How can
you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his
brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.
Get Free (PRODUCT) RED™ Emoticons, Winks and Display Pics.